I was reading a book and contemplating some unresolved issues while seated in a lively cafe a half mile outside of the major city. Perhaps the vibrant atmosphere was created to prevent people from feeling lonely, as I did when I first entered. (Loneliness)
I made an effort to pay attention to the words on the page, but I couldn’t follow them. The search for my own questions’ answers frequently keeps me up at night and the same continued even there.
To escape this, and enjoy the vibrancy and the smell of fresh lily, I ordered my regular drink. Getting back to the book, I turned to the next page, but couldn’t continue. My body was active but my brain seems frozen. Something somewhere unidentified was disturbing my nerves. Instead of talking, I was enjoying my loneliness, thinking this will help me to address it. Unrevealed Thoughts
Unfortunately, the liveliness of lilies and the sip of my regular coffee were also unable to help me. Trying to find that comforting taste on every sip, took a few glances at the walls around me and saw an image.
That was perfectly aligned with the theme of the cafe but not mine. It was describing the happy faces of young girls-gossiping-laughing-jumping, perfect for the happy soul. At that moment my consciousness involuntarily went into deep thought that forced me to ruminate more.
My social anxiety,
I started thinking and considering every small detail, every triggering word, and every unmeant fault. Also, started comparison, the comparison between me and the imaginary one that thinks “I could have done it a better way.” I could have thought hundred times actually, more than that. What was my fault, I could have not let that happen, I could have stopped me, I had options right?-the repeated question circles my entire existence. Not wanting to be a wife material.
I got numbed, and the continuous crowd of cafes was there, but I was somewhere far from that vibrancy. I don’t know where, neither that felt comfortable nor I was able to help myself.
With every passing second, I was losing myself. Even the warmth of coffee felt meaningless when the entire soul feels cold. Suddenly, I started shaking and shivering, and I was unable to hold the coffee mug.
To ease, I tried to focus on the book but I was feeling to smudge, I was sweating and something internally was racing. I was feeling scared and the crowd was as laughing at me. My tingling fingers were knotted trying to cope but every second I was losing myself.
I was feeling miserable, trying to calm but the fear in me was evident. I could have rolled down if it was my room. My shaking and trembling legs rushed towards the lavatory yet, I didn’t have any idea, what fear I was holding. I saw my reflection opposite to me, and I witness the tired, scared, fizzled me.
After minutes, and minutes, of trying to help myself in that locked well maintained place, I gathered the courage to get back to my table, confidentially. Before stepping out, I took the last glimpse, the pretense smile was exactly there where I wanted to place it.
Ever since I was told that I could be whoever I wanted but the child in me never knew growing up is this tiring…they said, I’m important, but I gradually saw the people leaving me. Every time, I lost a little faith.
I made an effort to increase the number for every step back in trust. I was trained for some staged moments rather than getting to know and spending time with myself. However, I eventually came to the realization that you have to learn to feel at ease being by yourself because you cannot always count on people to be there for you. I came to understand that experiencing alone is more tranquil than being around staged situations.
You may experience loneliness at any time, though sometimes it may not even be that. People naturally enjoy being around one another, but when that doesn’t happen, it’s easy to feel lonely. And, I’m on the other side, feeling alone despite the multitude.
According to the quotation I read, loneliness is a mismatch between the connections you desire and the ones you have. – I concur!
I think, loneliness isn’t best described by “how lonely you feel among the crowd, but more by how blank and hollow you feel even when your people are there.” Emotional Intimacy.
The number of people switching platforms between chat rooms every few minutes, but fewer at actual tables, is a measure of modern loneliness. This demonstrates the discrepancy between the degree of enjoyment we expect and experience. Modern Loneliness, we are never alone but every minute we are lonely, there’s a difference.
Speaking about loneliness can be challenging since it can lead to feelings of self-hatred and confusion. The anxiety, the want to be adored and accepted, etc. You never know when this overwhelming want to be liked can cause you to cry or become anxious while anticipating someone to hug you.
A person can be physically lonely but modern loneliness is about mentally lonely, or isolated. It is so easy to connect with video calls than make an effort to meet and share the food.
Also, loneliness is a feeling, not a fact. Don’t let the sky of modern loneliness spoil your present vibrant sky. Love yourself, be there for yourself, and help yourself. Express gratitude towards your alignment of soul and body and mind.
Forgive yourself for every unresolved thought, forgive yourself for unmeant hurt you did, forgive yourself for the rude words you said. My darling, forgive yourself for every second you struggled. Forgive, let your soul reaches a state of comfort with your presence, only you.
Paint your sky with your color. Stop inclining to pretend that you’re fine. You don’t have to yearn for human connection, build the strongest relationship with yourself so that everything feels rational.
Talk about it, and write it down but don’t let the stress rob your positive energy. Therefore, keep a journal of yourself. So that, you won’t miss the opportunity to spend the love-time.
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